Thursday, June 20th 2019
It’s 7:30am PST and I have overslept by 45 minutes. I jump out of bed, make coffee, and quickly get ready to leave. By 8am I are on the road, just one hour behind schedule.
Today I am driving to the Ananda retreat center, just outside of Nevada City, CA. The GPS estimates a 7.5-hour drive, but I know it will take longer. As I drive out of Los Angeles, the mountain pass is covered in fog. It’s surreal and the drive is beautiful until I hit the end of the mountain pass and the sun fully emerges. I crank the AC to full blast but only succeed in cooling off my face and one arm. As a headache starts to solidify, I think, “This will be a long drive”.
Earlier this year I signed up for a 4 day, silent retreat. I have just turned 38 and am officially calling a time-out to reevaluate my life. My thoughts immediately turn to my relationship. It’s only been two months, but I am starting to worry that he’s not as sincere as he initially seemed. I would like to use this time in silence to gain clarity on current and past relationships.
Around noon I pull over for gas and lunch at Taco Bell. Later, closer to Nevada City, I make an emergency stop for tampons. Perfect. Eventually, I have to switch from GPS to handwritten directions, as I am getting so far out of town that I have lost cell service. The road to the retreat is rough and narrow. I begin to worry that I went too far and start to panic. This place is really in the middle of nowhere.
Eventually, I arrive and park next to a small cabin, which is labeled “office”. I am greeted by a nice woman named Susan. She whispers “hello” and I whisper “hello” back. Susan shows me a map of the property and then gives a quick tour. She points out the dining hall, bathrooms, and my tent for the next 4 days. After providing a printed schedule, she whispers that dinner is at 6:30pm and then leaves me alone.
I feel excited and spend some time organizing the tent and killing the random bugs that followed me in. I feel bad for killing bugs in such a spiritual place and whisper “sorry” to each bug. My tent came with a sleeping pad and some bedding, which is surprisingly comfortable. Once everything is in order, I sit quietly for a few minutes in anticipation of what the next few days may bring. My head is still pounding, but my spirits are high.
The dinner bell rings at 6:30pm sharp. I walk to the dining hall and see a small group of people lingering in front of a buffet of food. Someone from the kitchen comes out and explains that dinner is not silent and that the group will sing a blessing before eating. They pass out small cards with lyrics and then everyone sings together.
Dinner is a potato bar with either a white potato or sweet potato. I am not happy about all the carbs, but knew this retreat would be vegetarian, so at least I was mentally prepared. I fill my plate and then look around for a place to sit. To no one, in particular, I announce that I will eat outside. Soon 2 women join me. They are sisters who traveled from Las Vegas. They laugh when I introduce myself, it turns out they have a 3rd sister back home with my same name.
After dinner, the group walks to the “Temple of Silence” for orientation. I giggle at the name, but also kind of love it. This is definitely the beginning of a great story.
Susan and Anandi lead the group in introductions and a discussion about the benefits of meditation. Each member talks about his or her reasons for meditating. They range from battling an idiopathic itching condition to connecting with a higher power. I, personally, want to know my true self and am feeling only slightly narcissistic by my motivation.
At the end of the class, the group starts silence by chanting “Om” three times. It has officially begun.
It’s 8:30pm now and I walk to the shower house. The shower is in a private room and there is no one in line. I think that I am happy with the accommodations so far as I quickly complete my bedtime routine and walk back to the tent.
As I lay down, the sky quickly darkens, and the temperature drops. I am laying on my back, but feel like I am being rocked on a boat. I wonder if this is some sort of lingering motion sickness from the 8 hours that I spent on the road earlier today.
In anticipation of something profound, I lie still and focus on the peacefulness of the forest. However, the longer I lie here, the more anxiety I begin to feel. I am not tired and, as my mind drifts, I imagine dark creatures floating a few feet over the ground. My mind then drifts to thoughts of death and I imagine knives flying through the air, close to the dark creatures which are now moving quickly as they skim the surface of the ground. I feel fear and panic. There is nowhere to go, however, so I remain still and breathe slowly through each minute.
My head still aches and, at one point, the pain moves to the center of my forehead and turns into a feeling of pressure. I attempt to remain still and hope this is my headache subsiding, but eventually, the pressure becomes so distinct that I have to feel my forehead with my hand to make sure that nothing is there. The pressure passes and my headache returns.
Eventually, I drift into an uncomfortable sleep. This is not what I expected.
