Sadness, anger

Friday, June 21st 2019

Nevada City, CA

It’s 6:15am and I am already awake. My alarm starts chiming at 6:30am and I immediately change into yoga clothes and walk to the bathhouse to brush my teeth and wash my face. Next, I walk to the dining hall in hopes of finding hot coffee, but I am disappointed. Instead, I find some lukewarm water in a thermos from the previous night, which I mix with instant coffee. It’s not good, but I sip it out of habit. 

At 7am I enter the Temple of Silence for an hour and a half of yoga and meditation. 

At 8:30am the group gathers for breakfast. I eat 2 boiled eggs and supplement with some beef jerky that I brought from home. The coffee is finally ready and I fill my coffee tumbler to the brim. I sit in the beautiful garden, sipping piping hot coffee and feel extremely happy. 

At 9:15am I head back into the Temple of Silence for a class on meditation. Susan explains some techniques for getting into meditation and then coaches each of us on how to sit. The trick is that you need to be completely relaxed while keeping your spine straight. I learn that meditation pillows easily allow for this position and my mind is blown. I think of all the time that I've spent sitting on the hardwood floor in my living room. No wonder I couldn’t relax. 

After class, I find a place to sit in the garden and am immediately moved by its beauty. The garden is a mix of plants and flowers with seemingly no order and definitely no pruning. The plants grow into each other in a way that feels like they are all part of the same family. I watch birds gather at a bird feeder and the leaves of various plants move subtlety with the wind. An older man comes out to add food to the bird feeder and I start to tear up. I feel moved by his kindness and am immediately embarrassed by my strong emotions. 

As I stare into the distance my mind is alternates between parts of songs from the car ride up and observations about being silent. 

Some observations include: (1) I have a strong desire to say hi to everyone that walks by. (2) I realize that I rehearse conversations in my head before they happen. (3) Being here is like being a cat, since I just sit in different places and watch birds. (4) Being here is also kind of like being in an airport because I’ve stopped acknowledging the people around me. 

Time is moving slowly. Eventually, the bell rings for the 12noon group meditation. 

I return to the Temple of Silence and meditation begins with Susan saying grace and then playing a few chords on her accordion. Once I am comfortable, I start with 4 count breathing, as previously instructed. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds. This is meant to relax the body. Once I am fully relaxed I move into normal breathing and chanting Hong (inhale) Saw (exhale) in my head. Hong Saw, according to the Ananda tradition, is the sound of the breath of the universe. I imagine the energy in my third eye and move my perspective from a person who is causing the breath to a person who is observing the breath. This is meant to relax the mind. Finally, I move into full meditation by visualizing my energy dropping from my head down into my stomach. I am completely relaxed, silent, and still. 

At 12:30 the bell for lunch rings, ending meditation. Lunch is salad and vegetables, which I slowly eat outside. Afterward, the group is asked to participate in something called karma yoga, which is essentially doing service for others. I am not into this idea, but give it a shot and end up washing dishes for the next 45 minutes. 

Around 2pm I leave for an afternoon hike. It’s pretty hot outside, but I forge ahead. The path is beautiful and it feels good to be moving. I plan to walk roughly half a mile to a small lookout point, just outside of camp. I make a few wrong turns, but quickly find my way back to the main path. When I finally arrive, there is another person sitting at the small lookout point. She smiles and says “hi”. I whisper “hi” back. Oh well, I turn around and start the hike back to camp. At one point I realize that I dropped my watch and map (which were previously attached to my water bottle). I retrace my steps, even the wrong turns, but are unable to find them. I try to accept that I will not have a watch for the remainder of the retreat, but I also feel annoyed. 

When I get back, I pour another cup of coffee and sit in the garden to spend some more time with the plants and birds. I try to spend some time thinking about my career and dating life but just can’t get into that line of thought. They all of the sudden feel so small and far away. I am feeling increasingly emotional and continuing to tear up over little things like flowers, cats, and hot coffee.

At 4:30pm the group gathers at the Temple of Silence for evening yoga and meditation. Dinner is served at 6pm and then everyone gathers back in the temple at 7:15 for a Satsang, which is an Ananda tradition, where students ask questions to masters. Anandi leads the session. After each question, she pauses for an annoyingly long time. One person asks if she has ever experienced anything metaphysical and she cryptically says that she is not supposed to talk about that. I hate this answer. Another person asks about Kryia yoga and she says that I have to complete a year-long, paid course to find out about that. I also hate this answer. 

Once the Satsang is over, my annoyance has officially transformed into anger. I quickly get ready for bed and then toss and turn for what feels like hours. At one point, car lights shine directly into my tent while I hear another resident setting up camp annoyingly close to my tent. Eventually, I drift to sleep.