What does a bird-shaped coffin and a lock of Lincoln's hair have in common?

Sunday, September 30th 2018

Lake Conroe, TX and Los Angeles, CA

It’s 6am CST and I am getting up to see the sunrise on Lake Conroe. The condo is dark and silent as I sneak downstairs. I think this is the first time in my life I have ever woken up before my parents. After nearly five minutes of searching I finally find a light switch and am able to see enough to boil some water for the French press. I make a very strong cup of coffee and move outside to watch for the sun. 

6:32am, the official time of sunrise comes and goes. Dawn is breaking and the entire lake is bathed in a blue-tinted light that can only be seen at this time of day. The sky is gray and the air is misty, but it’s not raining anymore. I watch a few birds fly by and a lonely fishing boat putter towards the main part of the lake.  

My Mom joins me around 7:30am and almost immediately we catch a glimpse of the sun poking through clouds somewhere in between the horizon and the top of the sky. We seem to be the only people on the lake. 

Eventually, we are all awake and spend a lazy morning drinking coffee and make a late breakfast. Around noon we start to pack up. We have about 4 hours to kill before I need to be at the airport for my flight back to LA. My Mom suggests that we visit the National Museum of Funeral History and I think this is an awesome idea. 

As we enter the museum, I really have no idea what to expect. It starts out with a tribute to Presidential funerals which is peppered with weird little relics like a lock of Lincoln’s hair and dirt from the burial site of President Truman. Next we enter a room dedicated to the burial of Popes. This is pretty interesting and I learn a lot, including the process for the ceremonial smashing of the pope ring upon his death. Other rooms are more focused on science, like mummification and cremation. There is also a tribute to famous deaths of Hollywood and then a display of fantasy shaped coffins inspired by funeral traditions in Ghana. This place is totally wacky. 

Eventually I meet my parents at the end. This experience was so strange, we each buy a t-shirt to commemorate the moment. 

We find a Papasitos on the way to the airport and sit down for a long lunch. I order a taco salad and I excited to see that it’s automatically served with ground beef (in California this would be carne asada). 

I end up at the airport early, but it’s okay, we are running out of things to do anyways. The flight back to LA is easy and before I know it I am back home. What a fun little weekend trip. 

Esty for retired Texans

Saturday, September 29th 2018

Lake Conroe, TX 

It’s 9am CST and I am getting up for a full day in Lake Conroe, TX. The rain is pounding on my window and the lake is desolate. We gather in the living-room-of-Texas-tacky for several rounds of coffee. My parents brought their own coffee beans along with a grinder and french press. They are proving to be amazing road trip buddies. 

We mull over the idea of visiting the Wolf Sanctuary but ultimately decide the weather is too bad. Eventually, my Dad makes us all bacon and eggs and we get ready for the day. 

The Longhorns will be playing at 2pm, so we have a little over an hour to kill beforehand. I suggest that we go to Main Street. There are a few consignment and antique shops and this feels like the right place for my first antiquing experience. Our first stop, Mimi’s, is a warehouse of random stuff; it’s basically Etsy for retired Texans. When we arrive, we are immediately greeted by a nice lady and offered tea cookies and coffee. This is cute. 

We spend almost the full hour wandering from stall to stall as my parents point at different items and tell me about growing up in West Texas. I’m pretty charmed by the whole experience. 

The next stop is Buffalo Wild Wings to watch football. Today the Longhorns are playing Kansas State and anything can happen. We grab a table in front of a large TV. I’m not really hungry and I don’t want a drink, but feel pressured to order something. I end up with celery, cheese dip and a glass of Chardonnay. We spend most of the afternoon here. The games goes great and I am irrationally happy to see Texas play well again. We have good conversation between plays and the whole experience is very nice. 

After the game, it’s getting dark outside. We stop by our grocery store for snacks and more wine. We spend the rest of the evening sitting on our patio, gathered around a Markham Cabernet and large cheese board. 

The magical Yeti cooler of hangover cures

Friday, September 28th 2018

Lake Conroe, TX 

It’s 1pm CST and my parents are picking me up at the Embassy Suites in Houston, TX. I just finished working the Grace Hopper conference and am exhausted and so, so hungover. My Dad immediately grabs my bag and offers my a chilled, coconut-flavored La Croix from the Yeti cooler in the back of their Explorer. I am grateful.

Our first stop is Starbucks. My Dad recently got on board with the Keto diet and has discovered the joy of high fat coffee. Once we grab our drinks we return to the back of the truck where he produces a pint of heavy cream from his magical Yeti cooler of hangover-cures.

Our next stop is brisket. We stop at Pappas and it’s as Texan as you can get. The food is served cafeteria-style, followed with a self-serve onion and pickle bar and complimentary soft serve ice cream. I eat slowly and tell my parents about how my coworkers insisted on eating sushi for most of our trip.

Per my suggestion, we have rented a condo on Lake Conroe for the weekend. The plan is to sit by the lake and eat BBQ. We make one last stop at a small grocery store. We grab steaks and broccoli for a late dinner and finally check into our condo. The entire complex is silent and our unit is decorated as though Whole Earth Provisions was having a yard sale. I am part charmed and part offended. There is a large balcony that protrudes over the lake and the screen door is covered in little bugs. 

Once we get settled, we spend the early evening catching up and then cook a light dinner paired with a really nice Cabernet and cheese plate. Around 11pm we are finally ready for bed. We agree to sleep as late as we want and I have never been so happy to fall into bed.

Goodbye Shalimar, hello Los Angeles

Sunday, September 23rd 2018

Shalimar, FL and Los Angeles, CA

It’s 8:30am CST and I am packing up for my trip back to LA. I am staying in a small guest apartment at the Bob Hope Village, which is a retirement community for veterans and their spouses. A list of check out instructions was left on my door last night. There are about 30 steps, including taking out my own trash. Initially I plan on ignoring the instructions, but then I get scared. After all, this is the military I’m dealing with. I complete the full check out procedure and, as a result, end up at my grandmother’s door 5 minutes late. 

I only have a few hours before I have to leave for my mid-afternoon flight. We hang out in her apartment for a little bit. I help install her new lamp shade and we marvel at its beauty. Around 10am we head out for a trip to CVS to buy a battery operated alarm clock and then to brunch. CVS is empty and the whole staff comes over to help us. They are visibly charmed my grandmother and her aversion to all technology, including digital clocks. She only wants one with hands and it takes nearly 3 people to go dig one out of the back.

Once we are done with CVS, we drive over to a cafe called Joe & Eddy’s for a late breakfast. To my surprise, the food is excellent. I order a large omelette and a side bacon and eat every bite. The coffee is just okay. After breakfast we still have about 30 minutes before I need to leave, so we spend it lounging in the coffee corner of the main lobby of her building. We small talk with the passing nurses and take a few too many selfies on Snapchat. 

Soon it’s time to go and I have a hard time saying goodbye. I vow to call more often and to come visit soon. 

The drive back to Pensacola is easy. I arrive at the airport way too early and end up drinking two glasses of Chardonnay before the plane arrives. During the fight back I am inexplicably emotional. Primarily, I feel an overload guilt, which is somehow amplified by the kindness of everyone I met in Shalimar. I also feel a sense of relief from stress that I didn't know that I had. I guess I was very worried about making every minute of this trip count and my travel problems on day one compounded this significantly. Finally, I feel great sadness for grandmother and everyone else that lives at Bob Hope Village. It's a lonely place.    

When I finally get to my car at the Venice office I burst into tears. I cry the whole way back home to east LA. 

The elusive Jitterbug

Saturday, September 22nd 2018

Shalimar, FL

It’s 7:30am CST and I am at the Bob Hope Village, knocking on my grandmother’s door for our birthday breakfast date. I am running on a 20 minute power nap and zero coffee. I have one full day with my grandmother to celebrate er 92nd birthday and I will make the  most of it. 

She answers the door only halfway dressed for breakfast and looks surprised that I am on time. I hug her and proudly announce that, of course, I’m on time. She says that she better hurry up and get dressed and I agree. 

We eat breakfast in the dining room of her building. We sit at a table with 2 of her friends, Sophia, who is French, and Tim, who is an ex-chaplain. Bob Hope Village is a retirement community for military officer veterans and their spouses. The community is an extremely interesting mix of nationalities and politics. My grandmother lived in Russia for many years with her late husband as part of several Cold War operations and many other members of the Bob Hope Village have similar stories. 

While the company is good, the food is abysmal and the coffee is even worse. After breakfast, she takes me to the “coffee corner” in the main lobby, where we can drink unlimited coffee from the community Keurig and watch people walk by. Several residents and staff members stop by to chat with us. I know that my grandmother wants to show me off and I am embarrassed but strangely affirmed at the same time. 

When we discuss the day, my grandmother announces that she really wants to go to Walmart and buy a lamp shade. We explore a few other ideas, but Walmart is the clear front runner. I agree and we head out to my rental to make the drive. My grandmother insists on giving me directions and after only a few wrong turns, we safely arrive at the Walmart Supercenter in Ft. Walton Beach. We spend about an hour walking around and end up buying shampoo and a lamp shade. At one point, I wonder how she ended up with a lamp without a lamp shade, but then I remind myself that it doesn't really matter. We are here to have fun in Walmart. 

Next, we drive to the Longhorn Steakhouse to meet one of her friends for lunch. We arrive a little bit early and catch up over Diet Coke and water while we wait for Teresa. Once she arrives we order. My grandmother gets shrimp kabobs, Teresa orders a salad and I get a small steak with spinach. My grandmother alternates between musing on how tired I must feel and encouraging me to order some wine to go with my steak. I am running on fumes and decline the lunchtime wine multiple times. I want to yell that I don't want a nap, but I hold it together. 

Eventually, our conversation turns to something called a Jitterbug. It takes me a few minutes to deduce this is a cell phone designed for seniors. My grandmother, who is extremely tech adverse, has interest in owning a Jitterbug. I am over the moon! 

After lunch, I make a few calls to electronics stores to see who may have a Jitterbug that we can go look at. Having not bought electronics in real life in the last 5 years, it takes me a few minutes to remember who sells cell phones. The consensus seems to be Sears, which is just around the corner. We walk into the Sears in Ft. Walton Beach and it’s just as I remember from my childhood.   

A very nice woman offers to help us immediately. They do not have a Jitterbug in stock, but she invites us to sit down on one of their couches while she asks around. The store is empty and spends nearly 30 minutes finding a Jitterbug for us at Best Buy and getting to know my grandmother. I forgot how southerners add the word “Miss” in front of the names of older women. It's incredibly charming. I sit quietly as the two of them make friends. My lack of sleep slowly starts to creep up on me and I am all of the sudden overwhelmed by emotion. First I feel guilt for only visiting once a year. Second I am so appreciative of the people who who are kind to my grandmother. As the sales associate shares her personal phone number with my grandmother in an offer to help her set up her phone, I am actually fighting back tears. I chew on a few Altoids at once in an effort to shock myself back into the present moment. 

Our next stop is back to the Bob Hope Village for a well earned siesta. I walk my grandmother back to her room and we agree to reconvene in 1.5 hours for a trip to Best Buy and then dinner. I am too tired to nap, so I spend my siesta reading and meditating.  

Later that night, after only one wrong turn, we arrive at Best Buy. Again, we are met with a helpful sales associate immediately. They have a packaged Jitterbug, but do not have a demo unit. I ask if the phone can run on wifi-only and she says yes (later, I will find this statement to be false). We resolve to buy a Jitterbug online and run it on wifi for a while, to test out text and a few apps before setting up cell service. The sales associate is also extremely accommodating, showing my grandmother options for training courses on cell phones and the Internet. She doesn’t go as far as providing her personal phone number, but she does give her card and seems genuinely concerned about my grandmother's ability to use the phone in my absence. For the second time today, I leave a consumer electronics department fighting back tears. 

By now, it’s almost 8pm and it’s time for dinner. My grandmother recommends a place called Bone Fish, which is right down the street. We grab a large booth in the bar and decide to order appetizers only. She orders more shrimp and I get the mussels. I also opt for a glass of Chardonnay and my grandmother has the same. We enjoy a long dinner, where she inevitably makes friends with our server. When it’s time to leave he insists on giving us desert on the house. It’s banana foster, which has been on my list of things to try for many years. We end up closing down the restaurant.

When we get back to the Bob Hope Village, it’s so late that the main lobby is locked. I have to stand outside for 10 minutes with my grandmother while security comes to let her back in. 

We agree to meet at 9am tomorrow for breakfast before my flight home.           

Pili nuts save the day

Friday, September 21st 2018

Los Angeles, CA and Shalimar, FL

It’s 2pm and I am standing outside of my office waiting on a Lyft to LAX. I’ve been at my new job for about 6 weeks and I already need to take time off to visit my grandmother for her 92nd birthday. In an effort to minimize time out of the office, I am flying out to Florida on Friday afternoon and back in on Sunday. This is going to whirlwind trip and I hope everything goes smoothly. 

By 4:30pm my flight to Dallas is boarding, as planned. I am armed with 2 liters of water, a bag of pili nuts, 2 Bulletproof collagen bars, Ready Player One and season one of Atypical. The airplane is enormous and I settle into my aisle seat and immediately turn on Ready Player One. The movie is surprisingly good and I am so into it that I don’t even notice we are still on the ground until it ends. Ah man, this does not fare well for my connecting flight. 

Eventually we take off. I order coffee from the the drink cart and proceed to watch most of Atypical before I hear an announcement from the captain. He says that we may have noticed that we have been circling Dallas for the last few hours (I had not) and that we will soon run out of gas (wait, what?). He says that we can not get into the Dallas airport due to weather and that we are going to go land at El Paso (ugh). 

An hour later, in El Paso, I am on my 3rd cup of airplane coffee and halfway through my bag of pili nuts. We can not get off the plane because the jetway is too small to connect to. I am in the way back of the plane and most passengers have a good attitude about the situation. About 2 hours later, we are back in the air in attempt number 2 to land in Dallas. 

At 2:15am I am finally deplaning in Dallas. My American app has deleted the boarding pass to my connecting flight, so I am pretty sure that I’m stuck here. As one of the last passengers off the plane, the line at the ticket counter is already very long. I wander over to the flight status board and see that my connecting flight has not left yet. Whoa, I can not believe that plane is still here. It’s scheduled to leave in 45 minutes.

I easily make it to my next gate and my flight into Pensacola goes as planned. I even get an empty seat next to me, I guess 3:30am is not a popular time to fly. When I arrive in Pensacola I beeline to the rental car booth. I grab one of the last cars from Alamo and end up getting upgraded to a small SUV. I ask the rental guy if my grandmother will be able to get into this kind of SUV and he dryly replies yes. Oh well, this is my only option. 

Around 4:30am I start my 1.5 hour drive to Shalimar. At one point I pull over for a snack, but end up only buying a diet Dr. Pepper. I am strangely not hungry. A bag a peli nuts and 2 liters of water goes farther than you would think. 

I pull into the Bob Hope Village at 6am. My grandmother has booked me a room in her her retirement community and the 24 hour guard is supposed to show me to the room and give me a key. There is no guard at the gate and it appears that parking lot is being prepared as part of a route for a 5K run. I find a phone number on the door of the guard booth and wait nearly 10 minutes for someone to come and get me. By 6:15am I am finally settled in my room. I have plans to meet my grandmother for breakfast at 7:30am, so I use the next 1 hour and 15 minutes to shower, nap and meditate. 

At 7:30am sharp I am knocking on her door for our birthday breakfast date.